It kills me to have to wait until Elise goes to class to blog. I want my laptop to be fixed. I suppose I could look at it as a good thing that I have to get a new laptop now, because that one was over 5 years old, but I really can't afford this right now.
I hate how money holds me back on a regular basis - it's because of money that I'm at LSU instead of NYU, and as much as I love it here, I'm bitter about that on a regular basis.
I would elaborate on that, but I'm in a good mood today, and I don't want to ruin it. For some reason (maybe Tuesday night), I'm full of self-confidence all of a sudden. This is a very good thing, seeing as how I've been torturing myself over my self-image for the past few weeks.
It's hard to write anything of substance in the short time that Elise is in German class. I like that I'm being consistent about writing here, but at least with my last journal, when I wrote once or twice a month, it was about something that I cared about. At least, most of the time.
I don't miss all of the whining that I used to do about Aaron, though. Those entries make me cringe every time I read them. But it's good that I'm able to acknowledge that I've grown up a lot since then. I used to talk a lot about becoming independent from the opposite gender. I think I've finally accomplished that goal. And I'm proud of myself for that.
I overslept this morning and ran to my first class without putting on any makeup. On Wednesday mornings, I have three classes in a row, and halfway through the second one, I realized that I have hickeys all over my neck.
For the past few months, I've been doing pretty well about not acting the way that I did towards the end of high school. I had only slept with one person the entre semester, and I had learned to limit myself when it came to making out with random guys (like certain rugby players). I hadn't had any one night stands, and I was learning that it was okay to go more than a few weeks without having sex.
But then last night, we were at Mellow Mushroom for open mic night, and Brad's friend Ryan was visiting from Florida. I had met him before, once, when UF playd LSU, and we kissed before the game, but I refused to talk to him after LSU lost. (That's when you know you're a real Tiger fan.) So last night he bought me a Budweiser and sat with his arm around me, tracing circles on my lower back. And before I had time to think things over, my hand was creeping up his inner thigh and we were leaving together.
Ordinarily I would talk about how I have no willpower, but I honestly don't regret it. I'm tired of worrying about what people think of my sex life, and I'm tired of wanting to be something that I'm not. That's not to say that I'm going to start sleeping with every guy that I meet, but I'm not nearly as concerned with living up to other people's expectations about waiting anymore. And I think that's progress for me.
Elise and I arent doing as well as usual lately - she seems annoyed with me about little things like keeping my lamp on while studying for my biology test or letting Ryan stop by our room for 5 minutes while she's sleeping. She snaps at me when I mention that I'm considering skipping a class, and she lectures me on the importance of reading my biology homework instead of a Tom Robbins book that I've read about 800 times. I dont know, maybe it's cabin fever. We'll see how things work out after Thanksgiving break.
Hello from my dorm's computer lab. I spilled a bottled Frappuccino on my laptop today and now it's completely lifeless. Lovely, right?
This couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time. Finals are less that three weeks away, and I'm horribly, horribly behind in all of my schoolwork. This morning I woke up less than 2 hours before western civ class, read Books 2 and 3 of The Aeneid, wrote a 2-page essay, drank half of a Frappuccino, and ran to class. When I got back to my dorm, I curled up in my bed, reached over to turn on my lamp so that I could read 3 chapters of my biology textbook... and there went the remainder of the morning's coffee. All over my poor laptop's keyboard.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Classes aren't going all that well these days - my guaranteed A's are slipping through my fingers as I get lazier and go to class hungover more often. I've had this attitude for years now, and I always manage to make things work at the last minute, but... I'm tired of just making things work. I want to be exceptional again. I want to be someone my friends admire, like I used to be. I want a guaranteed spot in top-ranked med schools when I graduate.
And how am I supposed to catch up now with no laptop?
It was a really good feeling, but it made me very aware of the fact that I'm not as informed about local politics as I should be. The only election I had been following was for governor. Once I cast that vote, I stared at the rest of the names and public offices, and it hit me that I was only expecting about half of them to be there.
I definitely need to start keeping track of what's going on around here. I've matured a lot in the past 2 years, and I finally feel like I have a firm grasp on my political values. And I thought that I was fairly well-informed when it came to politics, but apparently, following the Louisiana gubernatorial race and the Democratic primaries don't equate to well-informed.
Mornings like this one always put me in such a good mood. It's just the right amount of cold outside, and the sky is clear, and I'm going home to New Orleans for the weekend.
I spent last night at a party with the LSU Rugby team. They were all still in their clothes from practice; apparently on Thursdays they do what they call "Stink and Drink" - they start getting trashed while they're still sweating from their workout. Lovely, right? And they sing these songs full of blatant sexual references; they're horribly degrading to women, but they're also funny as hell, so none of the females present had any problem whatsoever with them.
One of them went like this:
if i were a marrying kind
i thank the lord i'm not sir
the kind of man that i would be
would be a rugby whistle
whistle, sir
why's that, sir?
'cause i'd get blown
and she'd get blown
we'd all get blown together
we'd be all right in the middle of the night
getting blown together
But anyway, that's beside the point.
At the beginning of the semester, I was sleeping with a rugby player on a regular basis. I decided that rugby was the sexiest sport ever invented. I don't know what it is about a bunch of guys running around without much protective gear and making each other bleed on a regular basis, but it does it for me. That's masculinity at its best.
I'm beginning to realize why I always end up with "the wrong guys" - I'm attracted to violent types with overdoses of testosterone.
However, I was pretty disappointed last night. Our rugby team has its fair share of attractive guys, but they didn't even come close to the incredibly sexy rugby team I've created in my head. In typical Nicole style, though, I still managed to find one to make out with for teh duration of the night.
I skipped biology class to pack to go home, but instead I'm blogging. That can't be good.
So, my intentions were originally to post some pictures of the craziness that happens on this campus, but I have nowhere to store my digital pictures. Who knows where I can do that?
It's been so long since I've done the web-journalling thing that I don't know where to start now.
For those of you who know me from before, yeah, I'm a redhead now. Fucking weird, right? I was always the quintissential blonde chick in high school, and now I have significantly shorter, kind of choppy, bright fucking red hair and a pierced nose. What happened there? I'm still the same girl, though - still confused as hell about anything and everything.
For those of you who don't know me: Hi. I'm Nicole. I'm something of a nutcase, and I'm a big fan of LSU football. I've been known to be something of a chronic heartbreaker; I've had my own heart broken a little bit just once. I've moved on, for the most part. Sort of. You'll hear more about him, I'm sure.
Vices include: iced cappuccinos, kissing at stoplights, boys with tongue rings, jell-o shots, strawberry pancakes, bacardi 151, and Raising Cane's.
nicole: 19-year-old LSU sophomore. biochemistry, pre-med. native new orleanian. starbucks barista. borderline alcoholic. addicted to facebook, red bull and vodka, and college football. a little neurotic, extremely indecisive, and often irresponsible.
