Senior year of high school, when Natalia and I were in the habit of going out together three and four times a week, people at school would call us Romy and Michelle. Once someone asked us which one of us was which, and we both shrugged, because we had never really thought about it. Then Natalia said, "Well, Nicole is smarter than me. She would be whichever one knew the chemical formula for glue."
A few minutes ago, I was sitting outside, staring at the cigarette in my hand and hating myself for smoking it, and thinking about those nicknames, and it occurred to me that back then, I was a really happy person. I went through some rough times during the junior year Sacred Heart fiasco, but after I had transferred and settled in I was really happy through the rest of high school and graduation and that summer and even a lot of fall semester.
These days I've been finding more and more that I've been resorting to self-destructive behavior to feel like that girl again. I drink way too much for my own good, just so that I can laugh and joke around and kiss too many people. I hop in bed with Aaron whenever the opportunity presents itself even though I know deep down that I'm just complicating things for myself. I take too much Adderall that I bought from some guy I met out on the patio while I was smoking. I buy a lot of clothes that I can't afford. I let Brad talk me into taking ecstasy with him a few times. I tell stories about all of these things and laugh about them and act like I'm really enjoying myself.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I am not at all the person that I thought I would ever be. My grades are suffering to the point that if I don't do something drastic I probably will not get into med school, and do I really want to go to med school, anyway? Of course I do, but if one shitty semester can turn me into this person that I am now, I don't want to know what that kind of stress will do to me.
Aaron went out drinking last night to celebrate being finished with finals, and when he got home he told me that he really wanted to sleep with me, but couldn't because his conscience was telling him not to use me anymore. I don't really know what I'm supposed to think of that. I hate that I'm still hung up on him and I hate that I get jealous when I see him talk to other girls at bars and I hate that I know him well enough to not be able to blame him for any of it, because he really isn't one of those asshole guys. So I have all of this misplaced anger that I'm directing at myself for being such a sappy bitch, because I always thought that I would turn out to be a more independent and confident girl. And I have been independent and confident with everyone except for him, and I don't understand that at all and I don't think that I ever will.
Everything has been messy lately. Couples that I know are fighting, Lyle and SeanM had a big issue about a girl they've both dated, SeanO left town for Air Force basic training, even Natalia is depressed about some guy. Brad and I aren't on speaking terms right now, but that is an entirely different story that I can't bring myself to discuss. A large majority of my friends are staying in Baton Rouge for the summer while I'm going home to New Orleans and I hate that we're going to drift in the next few months.
I don't want to get out of bed, and I don't want to go get my birth control shot today, and I don't want to take my biology final tomorrow.
After I've finished moving out of the dorm, I'm going to Grand Isle for four days with some of Nick's friends. Of course I'll be drinking a lot, which actually worries me more and more these days, but hopefully after that I'll feel back to normal again.
nicole: 19-year-old LSU sophomore. biochemistry, pre-med. native new orleanian. starbucks barista. borderline alcoholic. addicted to facebook, red bull and vodka, and college football. a little neurotic, extremely indecisive, and often irresponsible.
