I need someone to tell me what to do. Maybe I should do like Rachel in that episode of Friends - you know, where she gave Monica the job of making all of her decisions for her? I watched that episode today instead of studying for my chemistry final, which is Tuesday and which I absolutely must get an A on.
Lately I've been reading a lot of DC's blog and archives of siobhan's journal, and I've been pouting a lot about what my life could be like right now. It just figures that I would work just hard enough in high school to be able to go to NYU, but not quite hard enough to get the scholarship money to afford to go to NYU. A year ago I was convinced that this year I would be experiencing winter in New York, but instead I'm reading about winter in New York while I sit around in shorts and a t-shirt in southern Louisiana. This kills me a little. A lot, actually.
All of a sudden, I feel like I'm lacking direction. I don't even know if I want to be a doctor anymore. It's like I'm in tenth grade again, when I wanted to major in linguistics or philosophy or creative writing. I wanted to be artsy and cool and a New Yorker, and where did this stupid New York obsession come from, anyway? I've been there once and it was fantastic in all kinds of ways but I'm from New Orleans, so I should be content with my existence for the time being.
Tomorrow I will watch the SEC championship game and start feeling like I love LSU again - I do love it here. But there will still be thoughts in the back of my mind about what could have been if I have just gotten out of the South, if I were on a different track than I'm on now, if I weren't a science major headed for med school and a life that isn't really all that unique.
I worried that this would happen if I stayed in Louisiana after high school.
nicole: 19-year-old LSU sophomore. biochemistry, pre-med. native new orleanian. starbucks barista. borderline alcoholic. addicted to facebook, red bull and vodka, and college football. a little neurotic, extremely indecisive, and often irresponsible.
